More Masturbations: Part Three of the Saga

From my masturbatory journal during mine and Caitlins marathon week

Wednesday, April 6


11:20 am-

Tried to spank the meat when I first woke up a couple hours ago  but was unable to finish due to coughing fits. After getting up and having breakfast and tea and doing some light reading, I descended downstairs and did some light spanking. I then started working on a text, a guidelines of sorts, on Surreal Masturbationalism, the new high-arts performance movement. I suspect to break ground or, at least, get arrested and embarrass my family trying.


2:00 pm-

Masturbated while facing a wall, thinking of nothing. Finished a first draft of the Surreal Masturbationalism text. It is as follows:



Ideas/Ruminations on Surreal Masturbationalism: The New High Performance Art

“No more peeping through keyholes ! No more masturbating in the dark ! No more public confessions ! Unscrew the doors from their jambs!”                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      – Henry Miller, Black Spring


Performance #1 – Tightrope

I think this is pretty straight forward. A tightrope  will be extended from two buildings, across fourth avenue, from 6 stories up. The performer will walk the tightrope in plain daylight, stopping at it’s mid point and masturbating. The performer will appear in a very intricately designed, white, costume, like something you’d see at a modern, and very progressive, ballet. I imagine the performer to be kept company by some sort of grackles, crows perhaps, perched as if the tightrope were a telephone wire. The image conjured is epic; The tightrope, the performer, the white guise, the perched crows, the looming buildings, the blurry cars passing by oblivious, the terrified faces of onlookers from the pavement below…. This is the new high performance art. This is Surreal Masturbationalism. The performer will surely be put under arrest. 


Performance #2 – The Charlie Chaplin

On a street somewhere in Manhattan, possibly Times Square or Park Avenue, a man or women will appear as  Charlie Chaplin, more specifically, his charactor “The Tramp”.  The bowler hat, the mustache, the pale face, the big shoes, the cane…. They’ll all be there. The performer will have mastered Chaplins silent mannerisms and then, in charactor, openly masturbate to the dismay and pleasure of the New York City public. The performance will go on until the performer feels properly satisfied. The performer will possibly be arrested, depending on the duration of the performance.


Performance #3 – Macy’s 

The performer will somehow sneak into one of the big display windows at Macy’s downtown, trying to draw as little attention to himself as possible in the process. The performer will be dressed up in the same fashions as the mannequins  already in the window. Once in the display, the performer will pose as mannequin-like as possible and slowly begin to masturbate. The performer will keep this pose until finished or taken in by authorities, whichever comes first. 


Performance #4- Knife-ladder at Little Bighorn

A 20 foot tall, solid white, cubist platform will be constructed on a sunlit, grassy hill on the site where the battle of Little Bighorn took place on June of 1876,  a battle in which, the natives, led by Crazy Horse, defeated General Custer and his battalion of 700 men. The performer will access the top of the giant white cube by climbing a ladder made of knives. Blood will occur. Upon reaching the top of the platform, the performer will then pace the edges, bloody footprints and all, just before crawling on all fours to the center and masturbating on bended  knees. The performer will wear nothing but white underwear and a white war-coat, both of which are to be constructed of white feathers. The image of this performance strikes me as very spiritual and angelic; Christlike. 


Performance #5- Blackberries

The performer will walk, stark naked, carrying nothing but a basket brimming with fresh blackberries, into the middle of a public city park, taking refuge on a plot of grass. It will be a sunny August day. The performer will then, simultaneously, begin masturbating with one hand, and putting blackberries, one by one, into his/her mouth at a steady rate. The performer is to go on on placing blackberries in the mouth even as cheeks swell and juices run down the face and body. Feeding and masturbating will continue until the berries run out or the performer has his/her release. If sunlight is excessive, the performer may wear sunglasses, but only out of shear necessity. There is a good chance the authorities will show.


Performance #6- French Gravestones

The performer will masturbate until completion onto the gravestones of Georges Bataille, Anais Nin, and Jean Jenet. The performer will dress as he/she wishes. If the performance is quick, which shouldn’t be an issue considering the subject matter, arrest should not occur. 


Performance #7- Backfloat 

The performer will paint himself gold, head to toe. Then, wearing nothing but a black speedo with a hole cut out for the penis to breath, the performer will butterfly stroke into the Black Sea. Upon reaching the middle of the sea, the performer will rest in the backfloat position. He will then wait until aroused and begin slowly masturbating while simultaneously reciting the Star Spangled in the operatic style. It is my genuine assumption that the performer will not be put under arrest. 


Performance #8- President Lincoln 

The performer is to masturbate on to the Lincoln Memorial. Attire should be casual. Arrest is imminent.

Performance #9-  Beer-pong

The performer will attend a frat party and enter into a round of beer-pong. While engaging in the game with one hand, the performer will then begin masturbating with the other. The reaction amongst the fraternity brothers is likely to be dependent on the sex of the performer; if the performer is male, he will most likely get his ass kicked. If the performer is a female, the frat boys are very likely to encourage her, possibly even join her, thus turning the party into a masturbation-fest. The authorities may or may not be involved, probably not though. 


Performance # 10- Deer

The performer will masturbate onto a wild deer. This seems impossible.  



One Comment on “More Masturbations: Part Three of the Saga”

  1. ratonrose says:

    Omg! Thanks for making me laugh so much my stomach is already sore so early in the morning!

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